Old Dogs and New Tricks

Eighteen years.
And I can't remember
even half of it. But of
what I can remember,
this is the most trying,
but the most amazing
that I have ever faced.
I'm too busy. And I'm
too stressed. I'm always
tired, and I eat worse
than I ever have. I'm
breaking out because
of how much strain I
put on my body, but
somehow I'm still
happier than I've
been in a very long
time.

I read through old
blogs today. It seems
as though all of that
begging that I did
for an adequate love;
for a feeling that came
back at me; for a man
who knows what he
wants and knows what
he really deserves and
knows the same for me.
I've found him.
I'm never going to let go.
Because to do that would
be the greatest mistake
I could ever make, and I'm
through with making mistakes.
I'm through with accepting a
lack of happiness. And he can
help me with that. He wants to.
And that's the best feeling in the
world.

And then there are the ones
that I have ranted about in the
past in this blog. And they still
dip their toes in that old game
that they used to play, but I'm
smarter than that now. I recognize.
I evaluate. And I tease. I do.
I'm like a worm. I put myself
onto the hook and lower myself
into the water. And as soon as
those hungry bastards come
swimming around, I punch them
in the nose. And it's revenge in a
way. I love it, because I'm the
one with the power. I'm the one
that's completely out of reach.
I'm happy.
I'm never letting this go.
And no matter how many times
you try your old tricks, and flash
your old grin, I'm not going to
budge. And the knowledge of that
makes me feel invincible.

I'm not going anywhere.
I'm here.
Always and Forever.

Doodles and Verses

I found a poem I had written ages ago.
I don't know when, for the thing is dateless,
but long ago enough that I cannot remember
writing it. But there it lies in an old notebook
in my scrawling script, and I fell in love with
it. I had to put it somewhere. And here we are.

You are the full moon.
Every few nights, i experience the entirety,
But the rest is half the effort;
Something is hidden-
Something is missing-
And when all of you is here,
I call to you.
I yearn for you.
And within days... You are Gone.



Happy 2010 :)

Just Passing Through..

A month and a half of not posting
a single thing to the blog... and
what might that tell you? I'm not
miserable. I haven't written anything
at all in the past two months, and
while it may be frustrating.. it's
exhilerating.

I've never been happier. Things
have never made this much sense.
I'm planning for the future, I'm
completely consumed by a brand
new feeling.. and it feels so good.
It's so right.

I Told You.

I told you I was falling for you.
I went against my better judgement,
and my shaking palm grasped your
warm, steady palm, and I whispered
to you:

"I'm falling for you. And.. and I'm not
afraid of it. Because I know that I don't
need to be. It's right. It's supposed to
happen. It feels good to fall for you."

And you know what?
You squeezed my hand
and you pulled me in close
and you whispered to me:

"I just got butterflies."

And that
is how I know
that my own little
planets have finally
aligned.

Everyone knows the feeling...

I've never fallen so fast.
The colors speed by me in a
rapid display of smears and
wisps. My hair is a jungle
because of the winds and
the breeze isn't as bitter
cold as you'd have imagined.
It's a warming sensation that
slips between your skins and
nestles into your bones. I've
never expected it to happen
this fast. I've never expected
that I'd be lifted from the
ground by a single feeling,
a single sensation,
a single flutter in my heart
and stomach.
I'm not sure that I ever
really truly believed in it.
But you made me believe.
You made me feel the
things I never thought I
truly deserved. But you;
You show me how much
I truly do deserve this.
You show me how
wonderful it all can be
and how wonderful
all of this could be.
Everything.
You make everything
better. You make
everything amazing.

"I don’t know but I
think I may be falling
for you. Dropping so
quickly.. maybe I should
keep this to myself .
Waiting ’til I know you
better... I am trying
not to tell you but
I want to."

I think Garth Brooks may
have been on to something
when he imbedded into my
mind that some of God's
greatest gifts are unanswered
prayers. And I'm sure you know
how I feel about God and his
higher beings of angels...
But maybe my 11:11 wishes
and the aching need that has
consumed me for the last year
to just be loved and to feel
what I've never felt before..
maybe that need finally
disappeared. And I realized
the difference between a
want and a need and I told
myself that if I wasn't looking,
it'd tap me on the shoulder.
And you did.
You most certainly did...

Goosebumps and Butterflies

I don't even feel the scars.
I don't feel the stiches or any
missing pieces at all.
Everything disappeared with
15 words:

"I will never lie to you and I will
never do anything to hurt you,"

I could stare into your shit
brown eyes and hear you
repeat those words to me as
many times as necessary..

Please don't break me.

I haven't felt this good

In so long.
Which is funny, because
I have a cold from Hell.
BUT... It seems like the last
year of absolute shit
is finally falling back into
place. I haven't had this
much hope in ages. The
feelings are finally returned,
and they're returned with
the same intensity that I've
given. This is all I've been
asking for. Maybe, because
I've been bitter about not
receiving this for so long,
I'll appreciate it more. I'll
embrace it more. Murphy.
Thank you.
For once, the light at the end
of the tunnel is not a train.
It is not a figment of my
imagination.
It's just... you.