I thought I got away. But you're like a ninja, now, aren't you?

You weren't interested anymore.
I didn't know why, and it hurt,
but I began accepting it.
And soon I realized, thanks
to a friend, that you can't
cut the addiction without
withdrawals. And I needed to
be without you. I needed
to hurt a little bit. I
needed to realize that I
didn't need you at all.

And then you texted me.

Because you were upset
and crying because you hate
change. And after all, I
am the only constant in
your life, it seems. I'm
always the one you can turn
to. I'll hold you when the
world won't. And it feels
like old times. It feels
just like it used to before
you let it run deeper.
Before you let it run more free
and more wild and more
death defying. And it
was like I hadn't smoked in
months, and I had taken a
huge hit off of a Marlboro Red.
It was like I hadn't eaten in
days, and suddenly there was
a chocolate truffle on my tongue.
And then I wanted you on my tongue.
I wanted you in my lungs.
I wanted you all around me and
enveloping my body, my mind, my soul,
my heart, just like you used to.
But that can't be.
I can't let it.

Without sorrow, there wouldn't be
happiness. But you are not the
example that they had in mind.
I wish I could remind you of that
without taking a step to far.
The pebbles are already freeing
themselves and falling to the
depths. I can't be that rolling
stone. Not again. Not anymore.

You'll be gone in twelve hours.
Gone to fulfill those dreams
and ambitions that you are so
dreadfully afraid of. Will I
stay on your mind? Will you
remember me when there are
better things to cast your
eyes on and better things
to waste your mind on?

Will absense make the heart
grow fonder? Or will I
simply be out of sight and
out of mind?

But the more severe question
is whether or not your
forgetting me will be for my
benefit or loss? Is happiness
and contentment worth not
having you? I'd love to say yes.
But I'm not that wise...

An emotional breakdown

Everything is bogus.
Nobody deserves to be second best.
But do they even deserve to be first
with you? Somehow I hardly doubt it.
And as for "options"?
You're taking a shit on my heart.

I can't be that for you.
We're nothing of the sort,
and I think maybe deep down,
you know that.
We're both hurt, yes,
but being hurt together does
not speed up the mending.

Beggers cannot be choosers.
But I can.

I'm gonna get inked.

Okay. So. I'm getting a tattoo. :]
Hopefully next weekend.
And. I need somewhere to store
my ideas. So I'm putting them on here.
Feel free to comment on which you like
the most. And keep in mind that it's
going on my hip. Like.. a tramp stamp,
but six inches to the left. Yeah .

Someday this world will end... will you hold my hand when it does?

I'm fascinated by the appocalypse.
I won't even lie. I am completely
and utterly transfixed by the
possibility of the end of the world.
I've thought so much about it.
It nearly haunts me. There's a book
at Border's that I'll be purchasing
soon. It looks thrilling. I'm very
excited.

Boys may be my very own appocalypse.
I fought with one yesterday. For
reasons I don't feel like
discussing... but reason enough
to leave me shook up.
And then I talked to one
who hardly knows me.. but knows
me better than I think I know
myself. He painted a picture
as if I've been looking in a
dusty mirror without realizing
it. What a wake up call..

Matt Nathanson is my Homeboy.

Psh. I wish.
Seriously, I am so transfixed
with the awesomeness of this lad.
I've always liked Matt Nathanson.
His lyrics are the words of angels,
and his humor, omg, brings me to
my kneeeees. But seriously. Go
read his effing blog. You'll pee
yourself with enjoyment. If ever
I am to meet him, I'll lose my
damn mind. I come back and I
read my own blog and I just
want to cry with how ridiculously
emotional and pathetic it is.
He's my hero, really.
If I cannot be with him,
then I think that Sara Bareilles
should. Can you imagine the
insane amounts of baby
gods and goddesses they
could produce? They're both
just so damn sexy and wonderful.
Please, guys.
Get together and make some
musical and neonatal love.

Okay, I'm done oggling over this.

I'm better since my last posts.
But who cares, really. Nobody
reads this blog. Hah.
I'll post my latest song-in-progress
anyway. It's a duet...

(F) Forget the cordial welcomes
I've been through this door before
I've come to get my hist'ries
And I'm here for nothing more

Don't try to say you're sorry
I cannot take anymore
broken apologies

(M) My darling, you look beautiful
You've got this mean, heartbroken glow
We've always been so bad at this,
But we were flawless, don't you know?

I'll tell you that I'm sorry
Until my heart explodes
From Lovesick apologies



Hmm. Where to take this epic story now...

Angry, Love

Your smiles are little victories
Playing with me
They never stay, but you know that

I tried with little pleasantries
And you’re staying with me
But the way we play leaves us down and damaged

This love seems to take away
The things that keep us listening
My love will never break away
The things that leave you glistening
And angry
I leave you so angry, love

I ran you ragged
I left you bleeding
But at least you’re alive

You were tired and your ears were matted
I left you pleading
It’s time to decide

This love seems to take away
The things that keep us listening
My love will never break away
The things that leave you glistening
And angry
I leave you so angry, my love

You dug your heels
And I’m still trying to make you move
We’re not going anywhere

I’m not sure what you feel
And if it’s win or lose
But I’m still broken everywhere
I’m broken everywhere


Aug 7 - 3:10 AM

I Couldn't Have Fallen For You

Well, you couldn’t see in the dark
But I knew that we were both fallin’ apart
Good byes
Accompany the sunrise
And missin’ you has never been so fun

And you loved to walk by the dock at night
Holdin’ my hand, actin’ like we were right
For faking a love thing
Being lovers quietly
Just to tuck our tails as we run

The skies bled with me
To myself, laughing,
Because I couldn’t have fallen for you

The summer has its doubts, and I feel the breeze
Shadows linger from between the trees
I could leave right now
Leave you smiling here

We think alike, I can read your face
A perfect spot to leave this place
And we kiss goodnight
And turn our backs on this year

The moon’s flirting with me
And I feel a bit ashamed
But I couldn’t have fallen for you

There aren’t any leaves left on the trees
They’re feeling bare, and they’re just like me
But I’m doing fine alone
The leaving’s done and I’m gone

Going back now just to walk by the dock
Would be pointless and ruin the time and its lock
You’re doing fine alone
The leaving’s done and you’re gone

The waves crash when they fall
And I can hear them call
But I couldn’t have fallen for you


Aug 7 - 1:43 AM

Forgive me for being alone.

I've never been more tired of
couples in my life. It feels like
I'm the only one who doesn't have
somebody worth while to attach
myself to. I have no problem with
my friends being happy. Good for you.
I'm happy for you. Really. But when
I get left out of things PURELY because
I don't have a boyfriend to go on your
little double dates with, it PISSES me off.
Remember when we used to say
that no boy will ever come between us?
Because I remember. Do you?
I'm sorry I choose the wrong ones and
they never stay. I'm sorry that the good,
sweethearted ones that I choose don't
fucking want me. I don't feel like it's my
fault that I'm completely alone.
But you're doing a hell of a job with
making me feel even more entirely
isolated than was EVER necessary.
And what of the ones that I've fallen
for before and can't seem to get over no
matter how hard I truly try? Thank you
for telling me all about her. Thank you for
making sure I know how happy you are
in your new fantastic relationship. Yes.
Thank you for that. It's never felt
so great to be alone. I appreciate the
lengths you'll go to to make sure that I'm
aware of how much you don't want me.
Rub it in.
I appreciate that.
I do.



I wrote songs last night.
Yeah, multiple.
I'll post them in a bit.