At Its Worst, The Heart Is Sober

Old Dogs and New Tricks

2010-02-08T17:40:00.000-08:00

Eighteen years.
And I can't remember
even half of it. But of
what I can remember,
this is the most trying,
but the most amazing
that I have ever faced.
I'm too busy. And I'm
too stressed. I'm always
tired, and I eat worse
than I ever have. I'm
breaking out because
of how much strain I
put on my body, but
somehow I'm still
happier than I've
been in a very long
time.

I read through old
blogs today. It seems
as though all of that
begging that I did
for an adequate love;
for a feeling that came
back at me; for a man
who knows what he
wants and knows what
he really deserves and
knows the same for me.
I've found him.
I'm never going to let go.
Because to do that would
be the greatest mistake
I could ever make, and I'm
through with making mistakes.
I'm through with accepting a
lack of happiness. And he can
help me with that. He wants to.
And that's the best feeling in the
world.

And then there are the ones
that I have ranted about in the
past in this blog. And they still
dip their toes in that old game
that they used to play, but I'm
smarter than that now. I recognize.
I evaluate. And I tease. I do.
I'm like a worm. I put myself
onto the hook and lower myself
into the water. And as soon as
those hungry bastards come
swimming around, I punch them
in the nose. And it's revenge in a
way. I love it, because I'm the
one with the power. I'm the one
that's completely out of reach.
I'm happy.
I'm never letting this go.
And no matter how many times
you try your old tricks, and flash
your old grin, I'm not going to
budge. And the knowledge of that
makes me feel invincible.

I'm not going anywhere.
I'm here.
Always and Forever.

Doodles and Verses

2010-01-03T11:02:00.000-08:00

I found a poem I had written ages ago.
I don't know when, for the thing is dateless,
but long ago enough that I cannot remember
writing it. But there it lies in an old notebook
in my scrawling script, and I fell in love with
it. I had to put it somewhere. And here we are.

You are the full moon.
Every few nights, i experience the entirety,
But the rest is half the effort;
Something is hidden-
Something is missing-
And when all of you is here,
I call to you.
I yearn for you.
And within days... You are Gone.

Happy 2010 :)

Just Passing Through..

2009-12-25T12:20:00.000-08:00

A month and a half of not posting
a single thing to the blog... and
what might that tell you? I'm not
miserable. I haven't written anything
at all in the past two months, and
while it may be frustrating.. it's
exhilerating.

I've never been happier. Things
have never made this much sense.
I'm planning for the future, I'm
completely consumed by a brand
new feeling.. and it feels so good.
It's so right.

I Told You.

2009-11-15T22:11:00.001-08:00

I told you I was falling for you.
I went against my better judgement,
and my shaking palm grasped your
warm, steady palm, and I whispered
to you:

"I'm falling for you. And.. and I'm not
afraid of it. Because I know that I don't
need to be. It's right. It's supposed to
happen. It feels good to fall for you."

And you know what?
You squeezed my hand
and you pulled me in close
and you whispered to me:

"I just got butterflies."

And that
is how I know
that my own little
planets have finally
aligned.

Everyone knows the feeling...

2009-11-14T13:48:00.000-08:00

I've never fallen so fast.
The colors speed by me in a
rapid display of smears and
wisps. My hair is a jungle
because of the winds and
the breeze isn't as bitter
cold as you'd have imagined.
It's a warming sensation that
slips between your skins and
nestles into your bones. I've
never expected it to happen
this fast. I've never expected
that I'd be lifted from the
ground by a single feeling,
a single sensation,
a single flutter in my heart
and stomach.
I'm not sure that I ever
really truly believed in it.
But you made me believe.
You made me feel the
things I never thought I
truly deserved. But you;
You show me how much
I truly do deserve this.
You show me how
wonderful it all can be
and how wonderful
all of this could be.
Everything.
You make everything
better. You make
everything amazing.

"I don’t know but I
think I may be falling
for you. Dropping so
quickly.. maybe I should
keep this to myself .
Waiting ’til I know you
better... I am trying
not to tell you but
I want to."

I think Garth Brooks may
have been on to something
when he imbedded into my
mind that some of God's
greatest gifts are unanswered
prayers. And I'm sure you know
how I feel about God and his
higher beings of angels...
But maybe my 11:11 wishes
and the aching need that has
consumed me for the last year
to just be loved and to feel
what I've never felt before..
maybe that need finally
disappeared. And I realized
the difference between a
want and a need and I told
myself that if I wasn't looking,
it'd tap me on the shoulder.
And you did.
You most certainly did...

Goosebumps and Butterflies

2009-11-06T15:20:00.000-08:00

I don't even feel the scars.
I don't feel the stiches or any
missing pieces at all.
Everything disappeared with
15 words:

"I will never lie to you and I will
never do anything to hurt you,"

I could stare into your shit
brown eyes and hear you
repeat those words to me as
many times as necessary..

Please don't break me.

I haven't felt this good

2009-11-03T08:39:00.001-08:00

In so long.
Which is funny, because
I have a cold from Hell.
BUT... It seems like the last
year of absolute shit
is finally falling back into
place. I haven't had this
much hope in ages. The
feelings are finally returned,
and they're returned with
the same intensity that I've
given. This is all I've been
asking for. Maybe, because
I've been bitter about not
receiving this for so long,
I'll appreciate it more. I'll
embrace it more. Murphy.
Thank you.
For once, the light at the end
of the tunnel is not a train.
It is not a figment of my
imagination.
It's just... you.

Welcome back to the show, Optimism.

2009-11-01T14:55:00.000-08:00

No arms have ever felt safer.
I'm getting my hopes up, but I
believe in you and I believe in
this. I believe that this could be
what I've been waiting for and
hoping for and losing faith in.
You are faith. You are a long
since lost heart beat. You're
better than I'd hoped for.
Hope. You're hope. I know
and realize how perfect
this could be.. Everyone
sees it. Tell me you see it.
Everything happens for a reason.
Tell me I'm right. Tell
me that it meant to you
what it means to me and
that I'm not crazy. That
this is good karma coming
back to kiss me on the mouth
and push me in the direction
I've never had the courage to
take. You could be the one that
doesn't end in heartache.
Tell me you see it.

What do you know.

2009-10-25T20:50:00.001-07:00

You really did run away.

I can't do this.

I would be heavenly if baby you'd just rescue me now..

2009-10-23T23:13:00.000-07:00

You're not the only ones who
needs to be saved from this.
I know that you're still
broken. You claim to have
mended but I can still see
the scorches where the flame
got too close. I'm trying, dear.
You ask me to just be here.
Help you through the stiches
and keep it from ripping back
open and I'm here. I'm always
here for you.
And the seconds that you
kept me warm, I felt your
healed parts. I fell farther
down when you pulled me
in close as if I was all that
you really needed that night.
And you enveloped me entirely
and I knew then and there
that this was good. This was
where MY race starts. Her
marathon is over and you're
ready to start running again.
But I swear to God, I think
you're running away.
Don't run away.
For the sake of my heart,
For the same of ME being okay..
I was there for you.
Please.
Be here for me.
Hold me again.
Tell me that it meant to you
like it meant to me. Tell me
that I'm not alone and that
it'll be okay, tell me what I
told you over and over again.
I need you.
I know you're the first in a long
line to not have hidden agendas
and a knife itching for a spot
between my shoulder blades.
I know that you're right. I feel
it. But please.
Let it be.
Let it be what it is meant to be,
because I've never wanted
anything so badly as I want
this to go right. For the both of us.
Can't you do that for me?

Why do You get to be capitalized?

2009-10-19T17:18:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to lie.
I do not believe in God.
I don't believe in things that I
do not understand. And do
you want to know what else?
I think that people who do believe
are naive. Yep.
I may just be a faithless little
Hell-seeker, but I find it bogus
that "He" gets to be capitalized.
Why?
Because "He" created us all?
I don't put blame on people in
negative situations, so why should
I put blame on people in this one?
I'm sorry, but I'm tired of bible thumpers.
And I'm tired of "I will pray for you".
I don't need you to pray for me.

And you know what?
If there is a God, I bet He'll forgive me
for underestimating Him.

And if He doesn't,
I'm sure the Devil throws better
parties anyway.

I'm in a constant state of SCREWED.

2009-10-12T14:37:00.000-07:00

I swear that it isn't on purpose that I
always go for the ones who are just
barely out of reach. It's a habit.

I'm done competing and losing.
Why should I have to do that?
Is there not any guy that will
just like me the way that I am,
with a never changing mind, a
completely devoted heart, and
NO ONE else on their mind?

Yes, I didn't think so.

Well, if you find one, do you mind
asking him to meet me half way?

Well, la ti da

2009-10-06T19:37:00.000-07:00

I hate when you're right.
I hate that he had to turn out to be a
heartbreaker just like you. I hate that
you warned me and I didn't listen.
It screws everything up.

I think that I honestly would rather
have hope for a boy that will eventually
break me than to have no hope for
anyone at all.
He may be an asshole,
but at least I don't feel so alone.

Is that wrong?

They don't keep giving you things when you just keep shattering them.

2009-09-27T20:52:00.000-07:00

You slip in behind my eyes.
You let me get so far that I think
that I'm finally free, and you
yank me back. I thought
that it was over. That you'd
stopped thinking it was okay
to play these miserable games,
and that I had found someone
to help me off of your leash.
But your whispers keep me
checking my footing. They always
said not to look back when you run.
Don't look back.
You can never look back.
But I do. Everytime you make a
whisper and I feel a piece of heart
secede from the rest of it.
"I can't have these feelings anymore".
"I'm hung up on her, and I hate it".
"I'd forgotten how much fun we have together".
Yeah?
FUCK YOU.
I'm moving on. I'm getting out. I'm
letting myself have feelings for
someone else and you can't bare it.
Why is it that you can find happiness,
but I'm scorned for looking?
Why do I feel as if you're trying to
keep me for yourself when I was NEVER
yours? Why wasn't I yours? Why aren't I?
I'd cut you out of my life completely if
I didn't think that I would lose my mind.
You are such an addiction.
What on Earth makes you think that
making me feel this way is okay?
I hate you so much. So much that
it aches inside and I wish I could
bury everything we are in a hole
and leave it there for some other
poor, tortured soul to stumble
upon it.

But I'm so goddamn in love with you.

I Have Secrets Just Like You.

2009-09-21T15:47:00.001-07:00

I would never do a thing to hurt you.
Why would I ever want to try? You're
the very fairy dust that is sprinkled onto
my heart each and every time it begins
to throb. You're the hand that I held when
everyone else's seemed inadequate.
You're the heart that broke me when
all I could handle was dead and gone.
You're the shadow that lingers behind
my eyes and behind my mind. You're
the story I wish I didn't have to tell.
You're the boy that told of catching
me everytime I ever felt like I was
falling, but never opened your hands.
You're the one that told me no.

So I went to your exbest friend
and he said YES.

Letters I won't send.

2009-09-04T22:01:00.000-07:00

You.
We could have been unstoppable.
And I had myself very well convinced
that I didn't need you and I could deal
with never seeing your face again if I
had to, but I know that that is the
farthest from the truth. I need you.
And I used to think that maybe you
needed me too, but I guess I was wrong.
I guess I'm disposable. There's always
another one to take my place, right?
Then why would you lead me on?
Why let me believe that you'd be
there and then leave? Do you get off
on the fact that I need you and can't
have you? I love you. I love you like
I've never loved before. But my God,
I don't think I'll ever be able to hate
another bastard like I hate you.

And You.
Chances used to come one in a million with me, I'll
have you know. I used to think that if someone blew
it once, they'd undoubtably blow it again. But you.
You're just something else entirely, aren't you? I've
given you far too many chances, but every time you
come around to claim one up, I just give it to you.
Gladly, really. How do you do that? You fuck it up
every time. And I let you. And then I shrug it off
like it never hurt me that much to begin with when
you want to have another go at it. Are you afraid?
Because I am. We're on lucky number four, dear.
And, to be quite blunt, I'd really like it if you'd
either shit or get off of the pot. Because this is a
something or nothing type deal and I'm tired of
being a nothing.

AND YOU.
You are such a tease.
Such an unbelievably
ridiculous tease. You
intrigue me so deeply
that it's a little bit
unresponsible. You
are the kind of guy
that I've always
imagined being with,
and what do you know..
Won't have me.
My love life is just...
Awesome.

I thought I got away. But you're like a ninja, now, aren't you?

2009-08-27T23:24:00.000-07:00

You weren't interested anymore.
I didn't know why, and it hurt,
but I began accepting it.
And soon I realized, thanks
to a friend, that you can't
cut the addiction without
withdrawals. And I needed to
be without you. I needed
to hurt a little bit. I
needed to realize that I
didn't need you at all.

And then you texted me.

Because you were upset
and crying because you hate
change. And after all, I
am the only constant in
your life, it seems. I'm
always the one you can turn
to. I'll hold you when the
world won't. And it feels
like old times. It feels
just like it used to before
you let it run deeper.
Before you let it run more free
and more wild and more
death defying. And it
was like I hadn't smoked in
months, and I had taken a
huge hit off of a Marlboro Red.
It was like I hadn't eaten in
days, and suddenly there was
a chocolate truffle on my tongue.
And then I wanted you on my tongue.
I wanted you in my lungs.
I wanted you all around me and
enveloping my body, my mind, my soul,
my heart, just like you used to.
But that can't be.
I can't let it.

Without sorrow, there wouldn't be
happiness. But you are not the
example that they had in mind.
I wish I could remind you of that
without taking a step to far.
The pebbles are already freeing
themselves and falling to the
depths. I can't be that rolling
stone. Not again. Not anymore.

You'll be gone in twelve hours.
Gone to fulfill those dreams
and ambitions that you are so
dreadfully afraid of. Will I
stay on your mind? Will you
remember me when there are
better things to cast your
eyes on and better things
to waste your mind on?

Will absense make the heart
grow fonder? Or will I
simply be out of sight and
out of mind?

But the more severe question
is whether or not your
forgetting me will be for my
benefit or loss? Is happiness
and contentment worth not
having you? I'd love to say yes.
But I'm not that wise...

An emotional breakdown

2009-08-23T21:24:00.000-07:00

Everything is bogus.
Nobody deserves to be second best.
But do they even deserve to be first
with you? Somehow I hardly doubt it.
And as for "options"?
You're taking a shit on my heart.

I can't be that for you.
We're nothing of the sort,
and I think maybe deep down,
you know that.
We're both hurt, yes,
but being hurt together does
not speed up the mending.

Beggers cannot be choosers.
But I can.

I'm gonna get inked.

2009-08-15T09:49:00.000-07:00

Okay. So. I'm getting a tattoo. :]
Hopefully next weekend.
And. I need somewhere to store
my ideas. So I'm putting them on here.
Feel free to comment on which you like
the most. And keep in mind that it's
going on my hip. Like.. a tramp stamp,
but six inches to the left. Yeah .

Someday this world will end... will you hold my hand when it does?

2009-08-13T01:17:00.000-07:00

I'm fascinated by the appocalypse.
I won't even lie. I am completely
and utterly transfixed by the
possibility of the end of the world.
I've thought so much about it.
It nearly haunts me. There's a book
at Border's that I'll be purchasing
soon. It looks thrilling. I'm very
excited.

Boys may be my very own appocalypse.
I fought with one yesterday. For
reasons I don't feel like
discussing... but reason enough
to leave me shook up.
And then I talked to one
who hardly knows me.. but knows
me better than I think I know
myself. He painted a picture
as if I've been looking in a
dusty mirror without realizing
it. What a wake up call..

Matt Nathanson is my Homeboy.

2009-08-09T00:31:00.000-07:00

Psh. I wish.
Seriously, I am so transfixed
with the awesomeness of this lad.
I've always liked Matt Nathanson.
His lyrics are the words of angels,
and his humor, omg, brings me to
my kneeeees. But seriously. Go
read his effing blog. You'll pee
yourself with enjoyment. If ever
I am to meet him, I'll lose my
damn mind. I come back and I
read my own blog and I just
want to cry with how ridiculously
emotional and pathetic it is.
He's my hero, really.
If I cannot be with him,
then I think that Sara Bareilles
should. Can you imagine the
insane amounts of baby
gods and goddesses they
could produce? They're both
just so damn sexy and wonderful.
Please, guys.
Get together and make some
musical and neonatal love.

Okay, I'm done oggling over this.

I'm better since my last posts.
But who cares, really. Nobody
reads this blog. Hah.
I'll post my latest song-in-progress
anyway. It's a duet...

(F) Forget the cordial welcomes
I've been through this door before
I've come to get my hist'ries
And I'm here for nothing more

Don't try to say you're sorry
I cannot take anymore
broken apologies

(M) My darling, you look beautiful
You've got this mean, heartbroken glow
We've always been so bad at this,
But we were flawless, don't you know?

I'll tell you that I'm sorry
Until my heart explodes
From Lovesick apologies

Hmm. Where to take this epic story now...

Angry, Love

2009-08-07T10:46:00.000-07:00

Your smiles are little victories
Playing with me
They never stay, but you know that

I tried with little pleasantries
And you’re staying with me
But the way we play leaves us down and damaged

This love seems to take away
The things that keep us listening
My love will never break away
The things that leave you glistening
And angry
I leave you so angry, love

I ran you ragged
I left you bleeding
But at least you’re alive

You were tired and your ears were matted
I left you pleading
It’s time to decide

This love seems to take away
The things that keep us listening
My love will never break away
The things that leave you glistening
And angry
I leave you so angry, my love

You dug your heels
And I’m still trying to make you move
We’re not going anywhere

I’m not sure what you feel
And if it’s win or lose
But I’m still broken everywhere
I’m broken everywhere

Aug 7 - 3:10 AM

I Couldn't Have Fallen For You

2009-08-07T10:41:00.000-07:00

Well, you couldn’t see in the dark
But I knew that we were both fallin’ apart
Good byes
Accompany the sunrise
And missin’ you has never been so fun

And you loved to walk by the dock at night
Holdin’ my hand, actin’ like we were right
For faking a love thing
Being lovers quietly
Just to tuck our tails as we run

The skies bled with me
To myself, laughing,
Because I couldn’t have fallen for you

The summer has its doubts, and I feel the breeze
Shadows linger from between the trees
I could leave right now
Leave you smiling here

We think alike, I can read your face
A perfect spot to leave this place
And we kiss goodnight
And turn our backs on this year

The moon’s flirting with me
And I feel a bit ashamed
But I couldn’t have fallen for you

There aren’t any leaves left on the trees
They’re feeling bare, and they’re just like me
But I’m doing fine alone
The leaving’s done and I’m gone

Going back now just to walk by the dock
Would be pointless and ruin the time and its lock
You’re doing fine alone
The leaving’s done and you’re gone

The waves crash when they fall
And I can hear them call
But I couldn’t have fallen for you

Aug 7 - 1:43 AM

Forgive me for being alone.

2009-08-07T10:15:00.000-07:00

I've never been more tired of
couples in my life. It feels like
I'm the only one who doesn't have
somebody worth while to attach
myself to. I have no problem with
my friends being happy. Good for you.
I'm happy for you. Really. But when
I get left out of things PURELY because
I don't have a boyfriend to go on your
little double dates with, it PISSES me off.
Remember when we used to say
that no boy will ever come between us?
Because I remember. Do you?
I'm sorry I choose the wrong ones and
they never stay. I'm sorry that the good,
sweethearted ones that I choose don't
fucking want me. I don't feel like it's my
fault that I'm completely alone.
But you're doing a hell of a job with
making me feel even more entirely
isolated than was EVER necessary.
And what of the ones that I've fallen
for before and can't seem to get over no
matter how hard I truly try? Thank you
for telling me all about her. Thank you for
making sure I know how happy you are
in your new fantastic relationship. Yes.
Thank you for that. It's never felt
so great to be alone. I appreciate the
lengths you'll go to to make sure that I'm
aware of how much you don't want me.
Rub it in.
I appreciate that.
I do.

I wrote songs last night.
Yeah, multiple.
I'll post them in a bit.

If I forgot who I am, would you please remind me?

2009-07-29T13:04:00.000-07:00

Does anybody here know
the definition of a best
friend? Because I'm thinking
that the people who call
themselves my best friends,
don't know what the hell
that means. Best friends
are there for each other.
They trust each other.
They don't lie to one
another. They are
completely honest and
fun with one another.
Did you forget what that
is? Thank god for Rach.
Because she is the ONLY
one out of the four of you
who knows what the hell
a best friend is.
Senior year is going to be
a trying and difficult time.
But maybe my life
will finally be sorted of
the bullshit and nothings.

A love struck Romeo sings a streetlight serenade: You n' me, babe, how about it?

2009-07-28T00:15:00.000-07:00

It appears that the simple ways
of thinking, considering other
people's feelings, and evaluating
social situations have breifly
abandoned the minds of most
male figures in my life.
Do they all think like this?
Because if so, quite honestly,
I'm fucked. Boys are
bogus excuses for human
beings sometimes. Seriously,
who gave you the right to
act like such a ridiculous
piece of pond scum
sometimes? I regret
becoming closer with some
of them. Because it always only
takes one line to be
crossed for a completely different
monster to peek its beady eyes
out from under the bed. Screw
that, who wants to deal with
it? Not I. Girls are always
saying shit like "prove
to me that you're
different."
and I've
always
hated
that.
But
now
it's just
an honest
plea. From
all of us, really.
We hardly care about
how great of a guy you are
or could be, we need to know
that you are completely different
from the rest of the asses who've
screwed us over in the last
couple of epicly heartbreaking
chapters. Can you do that?
Prove it.

Sometimes I ramble.

2009-07-27T15:59:00.000-07:00

I smell like smoke
I taste like you
Bittersweet

I wait for your call
But it won't come
Bittersweet, oh

One more night
To add to the list
Of things I never thought I'd do
With you
Oh, bittersweet

What a whiner.

2009-07-27T11:02:00.000-07:00

I wish I was more of a poet.
I admit, I do have my rhythmic days
of impeccable comparisons and hypothetical
situations, but honestly.
I wish I was more of a poet.

Rachael just got back from Cali,
and I'm incredibly excited for all of the
paint-clad voyages that we'll be making.
Not all best friends can pull off
spending an entire afternoon
painting whatever they find lying around.

Writing a song is difficult sometimes.
I grew up on the twangy lyrics of country
story books. Country songs are rarely
viewed as poetic riddles, like the lyrics
that I want to write.
You don't know what I'm talking about.
Google the lyrics of Sara Bareilles and
Matt Nathanson. I want to write like them.
I want to tell you a story, but confuse you
into second guessing what I'm telling you about.
I want you to love the way the melody
wraps around that little piece of poetry and
say "hmm, miss em. I think I want some
more of that," but for all you know, that
little bitch fit of a twirling ditty was
written with your face at the front of my mind.
You wouldn't know. And that makes
my heart dance inside.
Why can't I write more songs like that?
Two down, countless stories to tell.
www.myspace.com/emillybond
Go ahead. Sample a lil' tasting.
I'll let you know when I'm back on the
main path to musical excellence.
It's a bit foggy at the moment...